I wonder why we often require a jolt of some kind to awaken the truth within ourselves. To commit to finding a passion, while igniting a drive to live a life of contribution and fulfillment.
I had already written eight novels, which to date have remained unpublished. In a turn of chance, I was presented with an awakening to the realities of my life’s expiration date. Using my writers poetic license I can say that I managed to cross paths with the reaper so often that I told people that I suspected he may have a crush on me. At the closest point of our dance I recognized if I was to survive the experience, than I had to make the most of my life, which entailed making some crucial decisions. It was at this point I decided to re-evaluate my career choices to pursue a path more fulfilling to me. Shifting to align with my creative desires was set to present an ultimate impact in all facets of my life. This resulted in me creating the Adult Contemporary Romantic Trilogy I have titled the Enigma series. I felt it was important to start writing something fresh rather than re-working any of my existing novels. I wanted to write a contemporary romance that was more than just a love story. I wanted it to be a compelling life story.
“Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.”
Would you believe me if I told you that I didn’t tell a soul about my writing endeavors, not a whisper until the trilogy was complete and out in the market place? Well its true. I am clandestine by nature and my life experiences had shown me on numerous occasions that people resist change. The journey I set out on was intentionally taken in solitude because I wanted to execute my own set of measures and steps in (where possible) the absence of influence. All my mistakes were to be my foundation to build on, as were my successes. The learning curve of entering into the global market, not to mention placing myself as a reachable entity online was a steep incline from where I initially stood, but I was up for the challenge.
I’ve heard so many stories about people who at the brink of death came back to life, got better and then chose to alter the direction of their choices. I never understood why the experience of the ‘looming end‘ seemed to be a common place trigger and hand on heart would have told you prior to my own death tango that upon my last breathe I would hold no regrets. Yet I was there and only in that space did my reality shift to see what I had not seen before. I held regrets ….
At the beginning of this blog post I mentioned I have written eight novels, which to date remain unpublished. This is just the tip of my creative ice berg. I possess binders of poetry, song lyrics, sketches, drawings, photography and inventions all never shared. Sure there were phases in my life where I showed some people in my inner circle tid bits but for the majority of my works I refrained. This was a conscious decision by me, which was linked to my endless need to create but my lack of desire to share all stemmed from not wanting attention. I didn’t want to be seen. Its not because I am shy, far from it actually. My experiences while growing up had me struggling against people’s compulsion to try and own, control, possess me. They were forever caught in rifts against my unfaltering independence. I seemed to continually bring out the worst in their personalities or perhaps the truth of who they are. It depends on how you want to spin the experiences really. All I knew was if I allowed ‘them’ to be in close proximity of me, they became obsessive monsters. I didn’t know how to make it stop so in the absence of a better solution I withdrew.
I’m a happy go lucky fly by the seat of my pants spontaneous enigmatic jester. I was blissfully unaware that my decision to suppress my expression of creative out into the ether was in a sense me yielding to a bind. In short, I had curbed who I am to accommodate for how others chose to be around me. This meant that I denied myself a crucial part of me without consciously realizing that I had. Sure I continued to be a prolific producer of all things creative, but I never pursued a career in an artistic space because I had conditioned myself to believe the price was too high to pay. It was only upon my final courtship with the reaper, while cheek to cheek we swayed that I realized fading away now would be a life unfulfilled.
Does it make you wonder what your epiphany would be?
May you live your life with no regrets.
Blessings – Truth Devour